For the last few years, kids who use technology to talk with their friends have often used a computer-based Instant Messenger program. That means they need to sit in front of the family computer and pull up to the keyboard to hang out with their friends.  That also means that we, as parents, had a certain degree of control over how and when the computer was used. That, however, is quickly changing.  According to most of the young people I've talked with over the past few months, IM is for the little middle schoolers who don't have phones yet.  IM is being quickly replaced with text messaging.  As texting plans get cheaper and phones get easier to use, more and more young people use their thumbs to do the talking.

The implications of this move from the family computer to the anywhere, anytime cell phone is unclear.  The research that has been done suggests that IM messages tend to be longer.  Because it is still tricky to type a big long paragraph into a cell phone, IM may be preferred for the deep, intimate conversations.  However, as technology makes typing easier, it won't be long before the extended conversations will be much easier and more convenient using the cell phone.  According to my students, cell phones also make things seem more personal, more intimate.  Instead of sitting at the desk typing, young people can text in their beds or in their private places.  Because the phone is almost an appendage, texting becomes even more personal.

This instant mobility also makes parental supervision a bit more tricky.  One mom says she requires her kids park their cell phones on the kitchen counter before they go to bed at night.  That eliminates the late night text parties.  Another mom says she goes through her daughter's bill, with her daughter at her side, and looks for the times of texts.  She said while this seemed to help her daughter place limits on texts, it also cost extra for all the piles of paper that came as part of her fully detailed billed.

So, if you are a parent who is so proud that you have finally mastered the IM program on your computer, I hate to say it, but you better figure out how to use the text function on the phone instead.  As technology speeds along and as students become more proficient in texting (over half of the last group of high school students I talked with said they could text an entire message behind their back without looking) life will become more mobile, harder to supervise, and even harder to disconnect.  But don't worry, by the time you get really fast at texting, our kids will have found a whole new way to hang out with their friends.

The change highlights an interesting characteristic of technology.  As users get used to the technology and integrate it into their lives, they begin to use it to meet different needs.  As that happens, the technology moves from becoming a cool little thing to becoming something that is essential to modern life.  I learned this one the hard way. I made the mistake the other day in class of asking students to give up their cells for one week.  I was 2 steps from running out of the room being chased by an uncontrollable mob.  NO WAY could they give up their phones!

The reason I share this observation is to encourage parents (like me) to re-think the new "place" of the cell phone--both the good and the bad--as we try to help our kids use the technology wisely.  The first thing to remember is that it's not just for emergencies or calling home when a pick up from school is needed.  It is a social appendage. It keeps the connections jumping and the identity sharp.  The second thing to keep in mind is that kids use the phone to fill in the silence.  When is the last time you saw an older teen just hanging around, walking, or sitting, without a phone to their ear?  They feel uncomfortable with down time--with alone time. Thinking and contemplation may be becoming de-valued. Silence becomes an awkward obstacle instead of an opportunity to take in the people and surroundings of a specific time and place.

I'm not sure what the implications are for parents.  Does this mean we should give our kids the phones they so desperately say they need? Who knows.  What I do think, however, is that we should engage our kids in conversations about how and why they use their phones--what are they giving up when they flip open that phone?  what are they really missing by being disconnected from their friends for a while? what could they gain by spending time alone, just watching things in their environment?  What real-life things have passed them by as they connect to someone in a different place? Why is silence so scary?

Maybe those are questions that are too big for teenagers to contemplate--especially when the cell phone is so much brighter.  But maybe we need to ask ourselves the same questions.   Mobile technology is truly changing how we do things.  The further we go with these devices, the more of a necessity they will become.  At some point, however, it is important to step out of the stream and think about what we gain and what we lose every time we dial up.

That's where this great idea comes in.  If you find you have a very thoughtful young person who is most likely sharing deep parts of themself online, challenge him or her to write those thoughts down in a diary instead.  You know the kind of diary I'm talking about--the real-life kind that you can touch and feel and maintain control over. With this kind of diary they can still work through things, but maintain more control and healthier boundaries.  Then, if they really want some feedback from their friend, ask them to wait a day or two, then share some of the main thoughts.  By then they may have worked through some of the very personal parts and can be a little more objective about what is good to share.

Growing up in this wireless world is tricky--especially when it comes to processing confusing thoughts and emotions.  Maybe one way we can keep our kids healthy and wise is to remind them of some of the old-fashioned, real-life things that seemed to work pretty well for us. 

You might want to spend a little time on Godtube (Godtube.com).  It is similar to Youtube, but a lot more wholesome. You can find everything from a daily devotional, a motivational speaker, a Christian music video, an evangelistic tool, or a just plain fun or moving video.  I first visited because my son had mentioned it to me, but I find myself going back to see what is new.  If you find something particularly fun, why not send the link to your child?

Godtube is a clean version of Youtube.  If you haven't visited Youtube, you may want to try it out (chances are your kids access it a lot).  I know my students often spend downtime hanging out, seeing what is new, catching up on their favorite t.v. show, watching music videos, and searching for something funny to laugh about.  There are lots of really interesting and funny things to be entertained with on Youtube, but you need to be aware, there is also lots of pornography that is easily accessable.  It might be worth a conversation with your child--what makes a good youtube video?  How do they avoid the many bad videos? what's the best video they've seen?  These kinds of discussions are just what kids need to begin thinking about how they are using multimedia and how they can become thoughtful and wise consumers.

 Whatever the case, don't miss out on these videosharing sites.  Your kids use them and you may also find a new way to be entertained. I have to be honest, one of the most fun I've had with my college-aged son is when we sit down and share our favorite Youtube and Godtube videos with each other.  They spark good conversations and provide a space where we can relax and have a few good yuks.  Before we know it, our traditional idea of sitting down on a Saturday night to watch a video may look a whole lot different.

In a small study we did with middle school students, we found that students tended to take longer to complete Math and English problems when they were IM'ing.  The accuracy was about the same.  The really interesting thing is that there were some kids, just a few, that actually did more while IM'ing and with greater accuracy.  When we asked them why that was, they said they just had more fun when they could chat every now and then.  I had to agree.  The IMing group was much more animated and energized than the group who was given a bunch of English and Math problems to complete. So IM'ing can make the homework more fun.  The real question, however, is the increasing value our kids are putting on multi-tasking misplaced? Is IM/homework multi-tasking a good thing?

An article on CBS news looked more in depth at the question of multi-tasking.   According to David Meyer, a psychologist who directs the Brain, Cognition, and Action Laboratory at the University of Michigan, kids are actually losing valuable time and energy every time they start multitasking. It is the transitions that require extra cognitive energy and space. Each time kids switch to another task, they need to re-orient themselves. That takes time.  And when they are jumping between math and six different IM conversations, not to mention the music blaring and the little brother running around, the transitions can take lots of time. That extra cognitive load also results in an inability to go in-depth in any one task. That doesn't sound good. The ultimate question then is: should IM and homework go together?

Here is what I've come up with. For some kinds of homework, it seems like IM is not only o.k. but it might actually be a good thing.  IMing can add energy and interest to otherwise unengaging material.  It might take all evening instead of twenty minutes to finish up daily math problems, but kids are probably doing just fine on the problems and are also having fun with their friends.  I also know that when everyone is doing the same homework at the same time (much like the studying together we did in college) they actually talk about the problems every now and then and help each other out. So that's a good thing. There is some homework, however, that is not a good fit with IM.  For instance, my daughter's latest project is a 13 page research paper.  That takes concentration.  She is also looking at an impending deadline.  That takes focus.  They key is to train my daughter to figure out when IM'ing is a good thing and when she needs to sign off.

Bad behavior, however, has taken on an interesting virtual twist over the past few years. More and more guys spend their "bonding time", their "friendship-building" time, playing Playstation with their friends.  And, unlike years past, they don't have to be in the same room to enjoy each other's company.  That means friends from across the city and across the world can come together and spend some good "man time" engaging in war, assassinating each other, stealing and crashing cars together, subduing hot-looking women, scoring touchdowns, and playing the guitar.  The question is, how are these interactions impacting their relationships.

Clearly, some games are worse than others.  Most parents have probably already had to decide which video games are OK and which ones are not.  And, just one word--if you haven't sat down and watched your child play their newest video game--it might be worth the time.  Some games are actually interesting and help kids improve problem-solving skills or hand-eye coordination.  Some games, however, are full of sex and violence, and invite your child to engage in bad behavior--all in hi-res blood-spurting color, highlighted by digitally-mastered groans and screams.

My question is--how does the virtual communication and game play impact relationships?  Do normally kind children who spend their afternoons trying to kill each other somehow cultivate poor relational dynamics?  Many guys begin online gaming, including the chat functions, when they are in 5th or 6th grade. Is this somehow different than spending time trying to smash each other playing football on a real-life field?  I have not had the opportunity to watch kids use the chat functions on these games.  I wonder if they feel less inhibited than they would in real life to be tougher, raunchier or more aggressive. I have seen the names they use.  A sweet-looking tall, skinny 6th grader may become mrkillingmachine online--and be proud of it!  Kids seem more willing to swear and act in ways that would make their mothers gasp and fall over.  I have also seen how Playstation and X-box can help freshmen guys feel included and safe as they spend time getting to know other freshmen guys over an evening game of Halo 3. It bonds kids, giving some of the less confident guys a way to interact and build relationships.  That, in turn, gives them something to talk about next time they spend time face to face.

For better or worse, video games have become the new interpersonal playground.  It is where guys come together to hang out.  But...I can't help but wonder how Beaver Cleaver would have turned out if he had had the opportunity to beat up that rascally Eddie with the newest version of Assassin 2. Maybe he would have been a little more confident and successful, or maybe he would have just ended up with a minor role in tasteless repeats of Jail Break.

That's the response I got when I asked a group of middle school girls why they don't talk to guys in their class.  The interesting part was that they had each just confessed to IMing those same guys on a regular basis! There is something about Instant Messenger that allows students to build awkward relationships in ways that allow those relationships to grow, hidden away from the judging eyes of their peers and the information-seeking eyes of their well-meaning parents. Instant Messenger gives students that safe and private space they need to learn how to relate to people who are different than them.

I'll be honest. It is easy to focus on the negative aspect of our kids' technology.  Maybe that's because our natural tendency is to distrust things we don't fully understand.   However, one of the most promising things I found in the focus groups that were part of my initial research was that IM has ALOT of positive attributes, one of the most important being the way it lets kids talk with each other outside of their normal social constraints.  The most notable examples I found involved the way 6th and 7th graders used IM to learn how to communicate with friends of the opposite sex. 

Try this.  Put yourself back into your junior high shoes and try to imagine the most awkward situation you can think of.  It undoubtedly has something to do with a cute girl or cute guy you were trying hard to impress.  Something very strange happens in about 5th or 6th grade.  Boys and girls who have been friends for years suddenly don't know how to talk with each other.  It is no longer "cool" to hang out together.  Suddenly innocent looks or comments have huge social implications.

Then along comes Instant Messenger. The fun and easy technology helps students keep those cross-gender relationships going.  No one from their social group can see their conversations so they are able to relax and figure out how to relate to someone of the opposite sex.  Although I haven't seen many studies dealing with the topic, my guess is that kids talk ALOT with friends of the opposite sex.  Sure, some of it might be flirting and some of it might be romantic, but much of it is just plain, old relationship building.  IM really can help our kids develop relationship skills in ways that are not subjected to the very harsh and public rules you and I were subjected to when we were first trying to figure out how relate with someone of the opposite sex.

So, next time you catch your son or daughter IMing or e-mailing someone of the opposite sex, don't get too worried. They might just be building some stealthy, healthy relationships. 

According to my students, text messaging allows people to be mean in a whole new way. There's something about the text-based environment that frees users to act in ways that they would never think of if they had to actually look the person in the eyes.  In fact, research involving online communication suggests that as many as 58% of teens have had someone say something mean to them online.  The really disturbing part is that 54% said they have said something mean to someone else.  That means even our sweet, mature, kind children are able to find their mean voice when it comes to cyberspace.

This disinhibition effect seems particularly tricky when it comes to text messaging.  It is difficult to stop messages from coming into a cell phone unless the user blocks all text messages.  There have been reports of "text wars" where teens gang up on an individual and send thousands of vulgar text messages, often resulting in large cell phone bills. At the very least, texting seems to happen on a faster and less controlled fashion than IM conversations based on a home computer. Since the phone is right there when someone gets upset, it is easy to send a flaming message without thinking through how that might affect the other person.

So how do we help our kids manage conflicts more effectively at the same time they are using the technology when they are away from home and away from our prying eyes? It seems the only thing to do is talk to them.  By training them to better handle negative emotions and how to deal with others who flame or bully them, we are helping them develop important interpersonal skills for a high-tech age.  For instance, encourage your child to never send a text or e-mail when they are upset.  Flaming is a poor way to deal with conflicts and it is a bad habit that can follow them into adulthood. Second, have your child save their text messages--especially ones that may be abusive.  Most research suggests kids are very hesitant to tell on other kids who misuse technology.  Talk with your child about how important it is to tell you if something comes up, assuring them you won't automatically take away their cell phone.  Finally, when you see problems come up between your child and his or her friends, consider how technology may be making things worse. Challenge your child to deal with conflict face toface, in a way that forces each person to take responsibility for their actions.

Solving conflict in this high-tech era requires an extra set of interpersonal skills. If your child is using a cell phone, you may want to sit down and have a chat.  By teaching our kids how they can use their thumbs in positive ways, we can equip them for a future that successfully integrates both technology and conflict.

On one hand, I just about sit and cry when I think of all those spelling tests we studied for. One look at an IM conversation and its clear, those extra vowels were just a sad waste of time. As a teacher, I have seen the impact.  My college students seem to place less value on good spelling and grammar—especially on more informal writing like journals, personal response papers, and e-mails. On the other hand, these students who have been using IM language for at least 4 or 5 years, are able to write just fine when they put their mind to it. It is possible that IM language, when used in the correct context, may not only not hurt kids but it may actually help them.

According to a recent study done by two sociolinguists from University of Toronto, it is possible that “developing and practicing with a whole new model of communication allows kids to flex linguistic muscles which otherwise would have remained dormant” (http://www.l2si.speculist.com/2006/08/instant_messaging_builds_langu.html)  In other words, as kids learn to make up their own abbreviations, using and manipulating new words and phrases, they are actually becoming skilled at learning, well a whole new language.  As a result, IM language may actually be helping our kids become more skilled at language use in general.

Now before you check to see if the college you are sending your child to accepts IMSpeak as a second language, its not all gr8t news.  It seems to me a real challenge is to teach children how to confine IMspeak to their IM and text messaging programs.  Adults need to be aware of times when the language is used in contexts where it is not appropriate (like e-mails to adults, resumes, and term papers in English). By highlighting how important good spelling and grammar are in certain contexts, we can help them become better communicators in all contexts.

As parents, we also need to be aware of IMspeak that is designed to hide potentially dangerous conversations from a wary parent’s eye.  (I have included a list of acronyms that might be used to hide face to face meetings or secret relationships.) While we probably won’t become fluent with this uniquely teenage language, we at least can’t be naïve about how our children use it.

So next time you throw up your hands in despair as you read your child’s IM, take pause and think about how much smarter your child will be!

AAR8T,  IMspk iznt all bd.  Well, GTG, CUL8R!

A/S/L or ASL - age/sex/location (used to ask a chatter their personal information)

BBS - be back soon

F2F - face to face

CD9, Code 9 - someone in the room

POS, MOS, P911 - parent over shoulder, mom over shoulder, parent in room

LOL - laughing out loud

IRL - in real life

B/F, G/F - boyfriend, girlfriend